Writers, Photos, Fear, and Me: Getting Back in the Picture

Perhaps you already know that about 7 weeks ago, after avoiding it for seven years, I finally had a new photo taken for professional use (there it is, at left!). I told the story about how I got over my photo fear in my Thanksgiving newsletter, and mentioned it on Facebook. 

What happened next surprised, intrigued, and in some ways saddened me: within hours, more than 50 individual emails, and dozens of Facebook comments from other (mostly female) writers, all described feeling the same dread of posing for a new photo. Clearly, we all needed a reality check.

Then in December, SheWrites, the wonderful web community, invited me to share the story, which includes this excerpt: 

...Recently, when asked for photos to accompany essays from my memoir manuscript, about the relationship I formed with my father after he died, I persuaded each editor that something else would be more interesting--me and Dad on my wedding day; him holding me as a toddler; an image of Las Vegas (where he'd retired).   

But I was delaying the inevitable. A month ago, an editor of a print magazine insisted. She suggested I stand in front of a leafy tree and snap a selfie, and while that appealed to my budget (one son in college, another heading that way), I knew I needed help to get camera-ready, a village, and that costs. Photography sitting fee. Make-up artist. A decent  haircut, coloring, style. Then, paying for the actual images.  

Then there were the emotional costs: Age, more weight gain, a neglected appearance, and a bitterness that a writer's physical appearance mattered. That my story might be judged, maybe before the words are even read, based on the size of my chins, my age, the fleshy contour of my cheeks, the width of my nose, the wrinkles around and the bags under my eyes. What did any of that have to do with the words, story, with writing?   

But pictures do tell stories. And the one I joked I'd use until I was 90, suddenly struck me as telling the wrong story. That woman no longer exists, in ways that please and pain me... 

You can read the full post over at SheWrites. I'd love it if you would chime in, either here in comments, or over there, with your own thoughts on the subject. Are you getting in the picture?

About Writers and Help and Back-Scratching

Another writer helped me with something this morning, which reminded me that a couple of months ago, I offered to do something for a fellow writer (friend of a Facebook friend). It was something she was finding complicated, confusing, and time-consuming to do herself, but would have taken me very little in the way of time or resources. I offered because I remember being in her exact situation once.

I never heard back from this writer, and then we ran into one another (in person). I asked if she'd gotten that task done and she sheepishly said no. When I asked why she hadn't followed up with my offer, she said, "I figured you were only being polite."

I'm not that polite. I am not polite to the point that I will offer my time, resources, mental energy unless I mean it. 

But I know what she means. We sometimes assume that other writers who offer to help us are too busy, or were not really sincere (and maybe even count on us not following up), or only offered because they felt cornered or owed a mutual friend a favor. I once thought this too, and while it may be so sometimes, mostly I discovered I was wrong.

I've discovered that most writers (maybe most people, for that matter), no matter how busy, will only promise away time, resources, and/or energy when they mean it. Most of the time, offers of help are extended because that writer wants to help.

The other thing I've learned is that people in general are looking for ways to make a contribution to others' well-being, to do something nice, something another will value. 

Not to get too touchy-feely about it, but when we accept an offer of help, we are actually also helping -- giving someone an opportunity to give, to offer a hand up. When we let people help us, we build stronger, more reciprocal relationships, and acknowledge everyone's need for occasional assistance, reinforcing our humanity all around. 

Maybe especially among writers, whose budgets are usually very tight, the desire to help in ways that don't cost money exerts a strong pull. Every time a natural disaster occurs, I see, usually within two days or so, an auction site go up, hosted by writers, filled with offers from other writers to perform a service (editing, consultation, manuscript evaluation, etc.), in return for a donation to disaster relief. 

Even when the need is small though, in my experience, writers come through for other writers. It's one way we build a writing community.

Need help? Ask. Received an offer of help? Take it. Then, when it's your turn and you want to help? Offer.

Thanks, Gratitude, and Other Stuff Related to Writing, Thanksgiving, and Holidays

Before we all slide into a post-meal coma, I would like to extend a warm and heartfelt Thank You to all who have been part of my writing life in 2013...editors, students, clients, readers, publishers, journal staffers, colleagues, critique partners, mentors, program directors, other coaches, and bloggers. And of course you, my fabulous blog readers, for visiting, reading, commenting, emailing, linking, liking, subscribing, recommending, and sharing!  Oh, and my family too (who don't complain when I write about them!).

I hope your Thanksgiving is filled with goodness.
Here are a few previous posts from this blog, on the intersection of writing, gratitude, Thanksgiving, and holidays. Have a wonderful day!

+ When others offer to help, do you let them? Let them. You'll be the one saying Thanks, but the person who does you a favor also gets to feel good, and will likely be grateful to have made a contribution to someone else's goals, dreams, project, hopes.

+  A full house, a table load of relatives and friends? An especially fertile time to capture kindling for personal essays or memoir. While your observation antennae are primed, find a way to take notes.

+ If you write seasonal essays, think about investing some time now on rough drafts that you can stash, then revise, in time for submission next year. 

+ Take a minute now and make plans to do something soon that another writer will appreciate. A little bit of your time, energy, social media savvy, bookstore dollars, and network rustling helps support the authors you know.

+ And don't forget to express thanks to those who makes your writing life continue to go round!

This post is shared at the SMART Living 365 Gratitude Blog Hop, where you'll find links to more gratitude-related posts (not necessarily all about writing). 

Writer Making Nice. Not Always.

The other day, I posted my own personal “rules” about supporting other writers when they publish books. I got a lot of nice feedback about what a nice person I am and how nice it is that I support my fellow writers when something nice happens to them.

I’m not that nice. Oh, I do all of that stuff I said I do, but I also have my less-nice side. Witness: Yesterday I got an email from a friend who is a fledgling playwright. She had just received news that a fellow fledgling playwright was having her first work staged by a desirable company.

My friend wrote: "While I'm happy to report that I'm really thrilled for her, I just can't figure out why I'm now not so motivated to write."

To which I replied: Well, I know why. Here are just a few reasons, culled from my personal excuse library. Borrow at will. You are suddenly unmotivated to write, upon hearing of your writing friend’s success, because you are….jealous, envious, enraged, miffed, amazed (in a mean way), tired, tired of everything, suddenly tired of what you're writing, bored with everything, bored with the project, not confident, lazy, ambivalent, procrastinating, distracted, would rather watch TV or distract yourself online/cooking/eating/shopping, muse is on vacation, writing project seemed like a good idea at the time but now it seems stupid / lame / transparent / derivative, more fun to read what someone else wrote, can't escape thoughts that one will never be able ever again to write anything of value.

Listen, when I hear about a writer friend getting…an agent / a lovely book deal / a freelance job I wanted / a great teaching position / a new editing client with 600 pages and deep pockets / $3 a word for an article… I am simultaneously happy for my friend and also momentarily (occasionally not so momentarily) want to slash his or her tires. AND I also go into a non-writing-funk. I run through all the reasons in my mind why it should have been me. Why it will never be me. Why, even if it were me, it wouldn’t work out somehow.

Then, I eat some dark chocolate and get on with things. First thing: congratulate the friend. Nicely. Often, mean it.

Supporting the Authors in Your Writing Community

Writers talk a lot about being supportive of fellow writers. When a writer I know – a friend, colleague, acquaintance, former student, fellow group member, former classmate, online buddy (well, just about any writer I know in any way, I suppose), has a newly published, or about-to-be-published book, here’s what I do to be “supportive.”

▪Buy the book. This seems fundamental, but money must change hands, even if I’ve already read it in galleys or drafts. (Can you imagine if your friend opened a restaurant and you didn’t pay for a meal?) If the writer is selling it from his/her own site, then I order it there.

▪If feasible, buy more than one copy. I once bought five copies of a friend’s humorous book about aging, and gave them out to several relatives turning 60 that year.

▪Before it’s published, find a way to mention the book on my blog, with an appropriate link to the author’s site or a pre-ordering page. And when I say “mention” I mean in some context which also carries value for the other writers who are my blog readers.

▪Once it’s published, invite the author to do a guest post or an author interview on the blog, and point readers to author events in various locations. If the writer (and/or her publisher) wants to, run a book give-away on the blog.

▪Attend a reading or other author event if geographically possible. And bring another warm body (or several) along.

▪Ask local bookstores if they are going to stock the book; if no, suggest that they do so.

▪When the author posts something about her book on Facebook, hit the Like button or leave a comment (or the equivalent on another networking site).

▪On Twitter, post a link to a positive book review.

▪If the author is in need of more promotional opportunities in the geographic area in which I live, provide contacts or tips if I can.

▪If asked – and sometimes even when I’m not asked – offer inexpensive ideas for DIY book publicity (the old PR person in me never dies!). I pass along what I’ve stumbled across or hear about which might lead to coverage/invitations for the writer.

▪Only if it applies, try to use excerpts from their books in my writing classes. Rather than this being a case of the instructor indiscriminately flogging for her author friends, there is actually an advantage for students because I can ask the author a question (or 10) about writing choices and craft decisions and bring that insight back into the class discussion.

It isn’t always possible to do all of the above, of course, but I try. Why? So many reasons.

Camaraderie: Writing a book and getting it published is hard, and once a writer I know has labored and “given birth,” she can use all the help she can get to move it from shelf to readers’ hands.

Economics: Writers don’t make a lot of money, and if I can help boost a writer-friend’s bottom line, great. Writers need current and future readers, so if I can help, just a little, to expand the circle of prospective readers for another writer, that’s a good thing.

Community: I love being part of the literary community. I consider it part of the dues.

Celebration: Every time I do anything to help a writer friend whose book is now in the world, I feel as if I’m raising her or his hand in the air and applauding. Everyone could use more of that, no?

Connectivity: It’s a small literary world. I like pulling the threads tighter.

Curiosity: The more I support a writer friend during the period of her book being in production and post-publication, the more I learn about the process. The learning itself is cool, and I’m filing it away.

Paying it forward: One day, when (if?) my own book is published, perhaps some of those whom I’ve supported would be willing to do the same for me. A bit selfish? Maybe. But if I never publish a book, I’ll still be doing this for all the writers I know who do.

I should add that I do what I can even if I don’t love the book (it happens). Many other readers might and mind you, my aim is not necessarily to endorse the book, but to boost the writer’s efforts to get the book into the public eye. Readers are smart and can decide, based on their own interpretation of a book’s reviews and marketing copy, if it’s for them or not. If I do love the book, I say so. But I think it’s possible to be supportive of a writer as a colleague even if I don’t happen to love her subject matter or the publisher’s choices. I’m not providing book reviews, only pointing attention. (When I do write book reviews for other venues, it's not for a book by an author I know.)

In the case of featuring writer friends on the blog, I’m careful to only feature guest posts, and to design author interviews, which will provide substantial insights, advice, tips and hard-earned writing knowledge, to blog readers. And certainly, not every book and author who appears on the blog is someone I know. Hey, I know a lot of people, but the literary world is not that small.

Enough Words. Enough.

Some years ago, I came across a list of words which, the author claimed, would never fail you, which would provide the answer to just about any difficulty. I copied the list and stuck it in my calendar and each year, transfer it to the new one. Today, as I was moving junk into the 2009 calendar, it fell out and I was reminded once again that often the "answer" requires no more (and not less) than an altered perspective.

The original context may have been related to weight loss (and when I tried to track down an author, the list did pop up on many weight loss sites, always anonymously). Still, I find it useful when confronted with family, work and other personal challenges, too. Yeah, it's a little bit Pollyanna. Sue me. It's my guess that we can all do with a few words of encouragement going into 09:

Prepare
Relax
Risk
Act
Accept
Believe
Forgive
Wait
Care
Choose
Smile
Trust
Listen
Change
Persist
Pray
Focus

A few of these I use frequently when I'm troubled, especially: Wait. Listen. Act.
A few I should use more often, but invariably remember too late: Forgive. Relax.

And to this list, I'll add two more words that have become important to me recently:

Enough. Quit.

Enough, as in, maybe I've already got enough --of anything, or even everything. Anyway, enough to get by. I have a feeling in the economy ahead, this is a word many of us will need.

Quit. In my opinion, quitting is underrated and mistakenly thought of as an easy out. For me, quitting is often quite difficult, especially when it involves stopping a project bound up in a lot of emotional and creative "equity." But sometimes, under certain circumstances, the right decision really is to stop what I am doing. Put it aside. For awhile, or forever. And start something else.

In fact, I'll go further and say that I hope to quit a bunch of things in 2009. Some of them I will talk about here.

What about you?